Marriage is a Journey (16)

“The family is ordained of God” (Church). The organization of the family is one of the main keys to happiness in this life, but many wonder why so many trials occur within our homes and between loved ones. Many families, if not all, are considered dysfunctional by one standard or another; my family is no exception. In fact, the marriages that have occurred within my family in the past seventy years are the reason behind the “why” of my research. To solve the mystery of dysfunction one must evaluate the essential factors that comprise the overall well-being of the family unit including: marriage age, divorce, and familial religiosity.

A few decades ago, in 1990, a young man met a beautiful young woman at Institute, and in turn fell in love with her. She was not convinced though, and rejected his attempts of courting more than once. As a last ditch effort a bouquet of flowers were sent to her workplace; surly he would get a date now. After persuasion from coworkers, and reassurance that if given a pity date she would never have to see him again, she accepted. Realizing that this was his only chance with the woman of his dreams he determined to make it the best date ever. He planned for them to dine at the Peachtree Plaza in Atlanta, Georgia and afterwards explore the night life via horse drawn carriage. She endured the evening and when her date got down on one knee inside a horse drawn carriage with an engagement ring in hand she was absolutely stunned.

"Is this real?" she asked. Mistaking her question as one concerning the authenticity of the rock the scared twenty-something fumbled his words as he explained ring and rock quality. She quickly stopped him and rephrased the question, "I mean to ask, are you really asking me this question? On the first date?"

Mortified, he responded, "Yes."

Taken by surprise, it is understandable that she did not give him an answer that night. Two days later, after much prayer, in the middle of Sacrament meeting my mom leaned over to my dad's roommate and whispered, "You just lost a roommate." Then she turned to my dad and simply said, "Yes." Needless to say, he did not have the strength to stand for the rest hymn. 

            Many would think that my parents have had an “easy go” at marriage with such a romantic story to start off their relationship, but the truth is: they have endured many heartaches and conflicts over the past twenty-four years that have made staying together one of the hardest decisions of all. Unlike both sets of my grandparents, my parents were not especially young when they tied the knot and began having children. All of my grandparents fit the 18-22 age range when they exchanged vows, whereas my parents were twenty-two and twenty-seven. Both sets of my grandparents also had a child within the first two years of marriage, whereas my parents gave birth to me five and half years later. Is there something to be said for waiting? In the context of marriage is age no longer “just a number”?

            Yes, there is something to be said for waiting, but there is also a case against waiting “too long”. And sadly, no, age is no longer just a number. Age is now said to be a factor in successful marriages and happy families.

            In today’s society, many college students forego marriage and children until after their undergraduate and even graduate work is completed. This appears to be a smart way to navigate the “next stage of life” by postponing such commitments until one is settled with a stable job. The mindset of said educated individual may be in the right place, but what their mind has not quite caught onto is the fact that college is the best place to meet people their age with similar goals. (McArdle) In McArdle’s article she introduces Keith Humphrey’s “Grandma’s lamp” problem to show why waiting until you have “settled” is not always the best idea. The problem with “Grandma’s lamp” is:

“When you've lived in a room a long time, it can be difficult to find a lamp that exactly suits a lifetime of accumulated bric-a-brac. And similarly, when you've spent decades building a life, it can be hard to find someone who fits with all the choices you've already made about where to live, what hobbies and interests you will pursue, what sort of hours you will work, and so forth. ‘[The educated individual] has their life's apartment,’ Humphreys writes of an acquaintance who is searching for a spouse as [they] approach 40, ‘the wallpaper, the carpet, and the furnishings, and wants that perfect lamp that will accentuate everything in its current form, detract from nothing, and require nothing to be moved even an inch. And [they are] dating [others] who are on the same quest, but apparently looking for an equally particular but different lamp.’"

            On the other hand many uneducated individuals, who are living in poverty and cannot afford contraceptives, are having children at young ages (and frequently out of wedlock) resulting in many negative factors for those children including a higher likelihood for substance abuse, depression, and suicide (McArdle). These two contradictions make an establishment for a prime age of marriage very difficult. One article’s stance is “that we should all decide to try to marry earlier -- or at least to start looking before the magic age of 28” (McArdle). Fortunately for me, most students at Brigham Young University do not struggle with said age quota; I may be able to time my marriage age just right in order to have a successful future family life after all.

            Divorce. For worse or for better, divorce is a word with many negative connotations. When my dad was younger his parents divorced and growing up became that much harder for him. He was the youngest of three children and both of his older siblings were grown and out of the house; he was alone. His education was disrupted on more than one occasion, and he was never in the same place long enough to maintain a regular attendance in the scouting program. As a result, my dad cannot claim the proud title of Eagle Scout; which is an obvious disappointment when brought up in his conversations as an adult scout leader. Despite all of the negative aspects of divorce, my dad was able to attend school in England and live outside of the United States for a short while with his mother and stepfather. This experience gave him more exposure to culture and also an extra year of LDS Seminary.

All in all, I think my dad grew up to be a pretty standup guy with great morals and a keen focus on things that really matter. According to statistics my dad is an anomaly; unlike the majority of children who grow up in divorced or single-parent homes, he has not had issues with suicide, depression, or substance abuse. (Amato) His experience with divorce is best represented by the crisis model of the divorce-stress-adjustment perspective, which claims that although things may be bad at first positive characteristics can come from divorce. The chronic strain model is seen more frequently in children from divorced homes and is contradictory to the crisis model. (Amato)

Divorce is not as far removed as my grandparents’ relationship though. In fact it hits a lot closer to home than one generation removed. Throughout my high school experience I viewed my parent’s marriage as a daily struggle with all of the conflict that arose in our home, and many days I questioned whether divorce would be better for them than staying together. My teenage years were not the greatest because of the contention at my house and many days I would prefer school and work over the confines of the shelter referred to as “home.”

Luckily, in recent months, through various types of interventions, my parents seem to have reconciled and made home life a little more bearable for themselves and my younger siblings. Although, divorce could have been a quicker and possibly easier answer to their struggles they made a conscious choice to stay. It wasn’t a choice of staying “just for the kids” or “just for the social image”; it was a direct decision of dedication and devotion to one another. My only regret is that this decision was not made earlier in their marriage when the conflict first began.

In the April 2003 General Conference, F. Burton Howard, of the Quorum of the Seventy, gave a talk on eternal marriage in which a story of love and dedication was shared; a story that has stayed with me since I first heard the retelling.

“I think eternal marriage cannot be achieved without a commitment to make it work. Most of what I know about this I have learned from my companion. We have been married for almost 47 years now. From the beginning she knew what kind of marriage she wanted.

We started as poor college students, but her vision for our marriage was exemplified by a set of silverware. As is common today, when we married she registered with a local department store. Instead of listing all the pots and pans and appliances we needed and hoped to receive, she chose another course. She asked for silverware. She chose a pattern and the number of place settings and listed knives, forks, and spoons on the wedding registry and nothing else. No towels, no toasters, no television—just knives, forks, and spoons.

The wedding came and went. Our friends and our parents’ friends gave gifts. We departed for a brief honeymoon and decided to open the presents when we returned. When we did so, we were shocked. There was not a single knife or fork in the lot. We joked about it and went on with our lives.

Two children came along while we were in law school. We had no money to spare. But when my wife worked as a part-time election judge or when someone gave her a few dollars for her birthday, she would quietly set it aside, and when she had enough she would go to town to buy a fork or a spoon. It took us several years to accumulate enough pieces to use them. When we finally had service for four, we began to invite some of our friends for dinner.

Before they came, we would have a little discussion in the kitchen. Which utensils would we use, the battered and mismatched stainless or the special silverware? In those early days I would often vote for the stainless. It was easier. You could just throw it in the dishwasher after the meal, and it took care of itself. The silver, on the other hand, was a lot of work. My wife had it hidden away under the bed where it could not be found easily by a burglar. She had insisted that I buy a tarnish-free cloth to wrap it in. Each piece was in a separate pocket, and it was no easy task to assemble all the pieces. When the silver was used, it had to be hand washed and dried so that it would not spot, and put back in the pockets so it would not tarnish, and wrapped up and carefully hidden again so it would not get stolen. If any tarnish was discovered, I was sent to buy silver polish, and together we carefully rubbed the stains away.

Over the years we added to the set, and I watched with amazement how she cared for the silver. My wife was never one to get angry easily. However, I remember the day when one of our children somehow got hold of one of the silver forks and wanted to use it to dig up the backyard. That attempt was met with a fiery glare and a warning not to even think about it. Ever!

I noticed that the silverware never went to the many ward dinners she cooked, or never accompanied the many meals she made and sent to others who were sick or needy. It never went on picnics and never went camping. In fact it never went anywhere; and, as time went by, it didn’t even come to the table very often. Some of our friends were weighed in the balance, found wanting, and didn’t even know it. They got the stainless when they came to dinner.

The time came when we were called to go on a mission. I arrived home one day and was told that I had to rent a safe-deposit box for the silver. She didn’t want to take it with us. She didn’t want to leave it behind. And she didn’t want to lose it.

For years I thought she was just a little bit eccentric, and then one day I realized that she had known for a long time something that I was just beginning to understand. If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.

Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way. I pray that we may see it for the priceless gift that it is.”

Marriage age and divorce may play a role in the happiness of a marriage and family, but the key ingredient to making a marriage work is dedication and commitment.

How can dedication and commitment endure the toughest of times though? When young couples have three children all under the age of five running and screaming around the house at all hours of the day and night limits can be reached and tested. When a couple going on twenty years of marriage can’t put on a brave enough face to smile at one another anymore after being unemployed for months voices are raised and hurtful words are spouted. The answer to finding the strength for devotion and love through all of life’s hardships is Christ. Knowing that we can rely on a Savior who knows us perfectly can help us become selfless and forgiving. A marriage founded upon the principles of service is one of strength and empowering selflessness. Forgiveness is also essential, because neither spouse nor any child will ever be perfect in this life. Families truly are forever and the time when we can enjoy our families most without negative interactions and thoughts may just be in the next life.

Christian families are not the only ones who can be happy though. Research performed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services shows that “a religious or spiritual orientation is identified by many researchers as an important component of strong families. Indeed, [it has been] noted that all studies have found some aspect of religiosity or spirituality as a component of strong families” (Krysan). Whether you believe in Allah, Krishna, God, or any other Supreme Being having a familial religiosity will strengthen marriage and family bonds throughout the years.

            Families are forever, despite dysfunction and disorder. Healthy marriages are essential factors in the well-being of children and family units. In this mortal existence a “perfect marriage” is far from attainable. However, when a man and woman work hard to keep their family together, and always remember the Lord Jesus Christ as a key member in their home, marriage can become a joy rather than a daily struggle. Marriage age, divorce, and familial religiosity are all key factors that require evaluation when unlocking the mysteries to a happy marriage and family. The real secret is dedication though; whether you are twenty-five or ninety-five, dedication to spouse and family is crucial and should be the focus of every member in every family. Dedication and devotion is the answer for improving our marriages, the well-being of our children, and our overall happiness in this life.

Works Cited

Amato, Paul R. "The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children." Journal of

Marriage & Family 62.4 (2000): 1269-87. Print.

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. First Presidency. The Family, a

Proclamation to the World. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake

City, 1995. Web.

Howard, F. Burton. Eternal Marriage and the Parable of the Silverware. Deseret Book,

Salt Lake City, Utah, 2004. Web.

Krysan, Maria. "Research on Successful Families." Ed. Kristin A. Moore, Nicholas Zill.

May 1990.Web.

Langhinrichsen-Rohling, Jennifer, Hester Dooley, and Ruth Langhinrichs. "Dating."

Encyclopedia of Human Development. Ed. Neil J. Salkind. 1 Vol. Thousand Oaks,

CA: SAGE Reference, 2006. 334-338. Print.

McArdle, Megan. "What are You Waiting for?" Newsweek Global 161.20 (2013): 1-.

Print.

Norton, Arthur J. Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the 1990's. Eds. Louisa Miller

and United States. U.S. Dept. of Commerce, Economics and Statistics

Administration, Bureau of the Census: For Sale by Supt. of Docs., U.S. G.P.O.,

Washington, D.C., 1992. Print.